ADULT*ing?

Hello!!!! It is September now. I am entering the fourth month with my company. So far? Let's just say it does not make me happy, does not make me feel like I'm growing intellectually and it does not satisfy my hunger for knowledge. I am definitely not a know it all but I would love to learn and try to know it all (which is IMPOSSIBLE, I know). I am a reader. I might hate studying but I love to learn new things especially something hands-on or technical. Right now, I'm just in the office doing a very tiny research which my company is not good at. everything I learned in Uni I cant use here, because they are so "KUNO". I do not necessarily  hate the place I work at but they just need to change and follow the world that never stops changing.

It is hard to land a job now with this economy so what choice do I have? Stay and let me be eaten alive in this working world or quit and do something that I love? Both options comes down to the financial issue. The first one will help me in being better financially and the latter will put me in financial risk. I'm not happy if I stay, but I'm not sure if I can survive and if my family is willing to support me. I am confused, lethargic, not happy and lost. I AM LOST in this ADULT WORLD. I might just hate it. Am I the problem? Not being thankful? I am. God, I am.

Here is what I think I'm gonna do right now. I should read more. writing this seems like a headache. The words I know deep within me, I can't remember. Maybe read more on my industry and learn from there since I cant do any technical things here because they said I am a girl. BULL!!! Just because I am a girl, does not mean I cannot do all the heavy work. This is what I wanna say, "DUDE!!!! I carry mineral boxes during my Viper Volunteer more than most of the guys. nearly non-stop until two lorries were filled (not just me la). And then we had to unload the lorries. and then we have to continue our work. I have muscles and bruises everywhere. Did I complain? No, I was proud of it. Proud of the things that I am able to do."

...and I'm Back

It has been more than a year now. Life has changed a lot since my last post. I am now a Chemical Engineer graduate and currently working with a company that specialized in manufacturing of palm oil mill equipment. It has only been 2 years.

Why am I back here when I know that no one would be reading my blog? Hmmmm... because i can! Hahahahaha. Honestly, this past few months I have came across articles on the advantages and benefits of people who writes and apparently it does not matter what they wrote as long as they're "writing" (typing or whatever. *lol*). so here I am again trying to brush up writing skills again and who knows if I will get back into TRYING to write poems. Can it be called as poem? Well, whatever it is called. I miss writing and I did try doing it again but nothing seems to pop into my head. not sentences nor words. Maybe it's the technology that made me this way. To be truthful, I have not been reading much compared to how much I am playing my games on the phone. So, I blame TECHNOLOGY!!!!!

Back to my life. Since I started joining this rat race of life in the working world. It is not fun at all. All these responsibilities, networking is eating my soul little by little. It's not bad at all working. But during this time, I have also realized what I really want to do in my life. the problem is financially, my parents are not in a good shape. It okay but we could do better. For me to quit my job and do what I like seems to be unreachable. Impossible some might say. 

What I really wanna do has something to do with animals. I just found out like recently that I really really love animals. It started with Life and then MooMoo. I never thought I could love both of them as much as I did. Life has departed. I cried like hell when she passed. But I have given her all I can. She was admitted to the vet clinic for more than once and I loved her for leaving me when I was KK. I know she hates me seeing her in pain. I had to give MooMoo away as I was back in KK for 5 months and I can't bring her with me and I would not have the money to put her in boarding for that long. but I tried to find her the best family for her new family and I hope she is happy now.

So, regarding the matter of me loving animals and what I really wanna do in my life. I want to work with NGOs that have a mission to save animals. I don't discriminate on any animals be it babi or anjing. because my religion teaches me to love all beings the same. And I love love LOVE dogs. And CATS!!! But we all have to start small right? I have two plans in mind right now. One that invests only on time and love and the other one with money and love and time. SPCA volunteer and saving cats, nurture them until they are oh so adorable and give up for adoption (it takes a lot of money though). Once I am stable, i would. But for now, I have to find time and courage to go to SPCA alone and start volunteering (sad story of an introvert).

WOW!!! This is quite a long entry. I didn't know that I have a lot in my mind I would want  to write. While I was thinking to revisit this blog, I was contemplating because I THOUGHT I have nothing to write about. Now that I am writing, this is only the start. I have not written anything on graduating, my family, my future nephew, my uni friends, my old friends, the situation in the office, my graduation, my holidays, my plan for the future and so on... I can't even list it all down.Oh and my yoga life. The only place where my mind can go silent to focus on my practice. My mind have been very LOUD lately. Too much thinking. It is sooooooooooo hard being a grown up. I hate it!

Now I remember why I used to love writing. It is therapeutic. I only spend merely an hour for this entry yet I feel a lot lighter. Writing about the past is like walking down the memory lane. I smiled and nearly cried for this entry. Would definitely be doing this again. Maybe I should starting hitting the books again. I am going to be a bit more active in this as I still have no serious job that I need to attend to and I feel bored at the office other than helping Human Resource people with their work. 

Lastly, I would like to end this entry with ALHAMDULILLAH. God knows best and I am blessed.

April 2014

it has been nearly a year since i wrote something in my blog. why? im not so sure. was i busy? lazy? lost-interest? or theres just nothing worth to write up? im not sure. i dont know either. for now i think my answer would be i have no motivation to write anything. maybe? oh, well. 

i miss writing. but i feel i cant write anymore. i have no motivaton, no reason and im just empty. empty. and more emptiness. its over. i need a new reason. 

It's My Birthday Week!!!

yes, my quarter century birthday is this weekend. i havent write anything in blog for quite some time cause i dont really have anything to talk about... until NOW!!! which was sparked by my love for my parents.

On our birthdays, everyone would wish us a happy birthday on our birthday. I dont really know how it all started. I do appreciate it a lot and the presents. but, somehow I think like *lets talk in my perspective* I dont deserve the wish and somehow we forgot how we get here. The World. its thanks to our parents. weel, they make us (doesnt really matter intentionally or unintentionally), gave birth, feed clothe, support, finance and i can go on with this infinite list but i think you get the idea. aren't we suppose to wish them, thank them and give presents to them instead??? they (and also god) gave us the perfect gift of life. i think it should be the whole way around isnt it? but it can work in both ways (i still want the presents and attention!!) or maybe we can take a time off and let them know?

Im not good with words or affection. My family knows that very very well. my mum even call me "hati batu". go figure. Im trying to work on it. at least i showed my dad what i wrote to him on this blog for father's day. even though it was months after that. still, i did it!!! *punches air* Obviously, Im still studying so I dont have the cash to buy them anything. but hopefully I can think of something nice to say or something creative to give to them. to show my appreciation  and to tell them that i never forget the sacrifices they made for me. and hopefully, one day, one sweet day, I can give them what they gave me and I hope more than that.

why??? because I LOVE THEM!!!!

 *no one can replace them in my life*

*my Mr and Mrs Hamed*

Why I cut my hair.

I think there is always a reason why a person cuts their hair. Right? Esspecially when we are changing our hairstyle quite dramatically. For me, there is  big reason why. The last time I cut my hair this short was nearly 4 years ago. I never did anything to my hair after I met a person. When I used to rwlly took care of my hair. Maybe im too comfortable with that person, because that peraon has seen me in my worst, that I no longer care how I present myself. Now, I suddenly realised that fact. Now I have a new principle in my life. Never do rhings foe aomeone ekse. Do it because it makes you happy. Do it because you want to make yourswlf. Do it because you love yourself. :) at least you can be sure that you will never dissapoint yourself. Never hurt yourself. Hoorah! Cheers to loving yourself first, before giving your love to someone else.