Hurdle

I'm sorry for the way I'm acting towards you lately. Like you don't matter to me.

But you don't get to leave me every time you feel like it and come back expecting I will be the same.

Once, it was okay. Then it just hurts me to do it again, but I do it anyway.
I like you. Love is a big word to use. Like is the only word I can use.

I'm happy knowing that you're happy with someone good like her.

I'd rather you opt for her than being the old you.
 The one who plays around. I don't like him.

I miss you. I'm glad you're trying to get a hold of me again. 
As a friend. Or whatever.

But I'm sorry if I can't let you come back just like that.
It's not I don't want to. But I can't.

Because you can hurt me like no other.

You can't treat me like the other girls. I thought you know me.

I'm not like girls around you. I'm different. I'm not like them. 

You can come and go to them whenever you want. I can't do that.

You should have figured out why. 
Either you're in denial, or you want me to be like them.

I'm not them. I can't be them. I refuse to be treated like them.

Because you're not just some random guy to me. You're not just a friend to me.

You're more to me. I'm not sure what. But , I do need you . 
Not only when you need me.

But when it comes to this... Sigh~ I don't know what I am to you.

But I have my ideas of who I am.

Insignificant. Just another girl. 

Therefore I can't let you back just like that. I can't lose you again. 

I can't afford to feel I lost my friend. Again. So forgive me for how I am now.

I want to be friends again. I want things to be like before. 
Like how it used to be.

But if I have to go through losing you. Missing you. 
Not talking to you for a period of time again.

I can't. I won't. I don't want to do it again. 
Even if it means I'm losing you for good.

Because I'm not willing to take that risk. 

If you still want me as your friend, be patient. 
Convince me you're staying for good.

Convince me you're not leaving me again. If I am that important to your life.

If I am a friend to you. At least.

If you just want to play around with me. 
Looking for me only when you're bored, drop it!

Leave me be. Let me go. 
At least have that last bit of respect for our friendship.

I'm not gonna ignore you. I'm not gonna hate you.
I will always remember what we were.

How we were. And smile every time you crossed my mind.

To me once special, will always be special. Whether or not it's still there.

Updating Life

Here I am trying to think what to update about my life. hmmm... its half past 5am now. I can't go to sleep because I need to go to the market to do some groceries at 6.30am. So I'm trying to find something to do for the mean time and I decided to update a little about my life here.

I'm back in KL after 2 weeks plus at home, in KK. Spent time with my family. Have a few get together will all my aunts and uncles and cousins. It was fun and the food was GRRREAATTT!!! hehe... I have another 5 days before my new semester starts and Ramadhan comes to visit. I have no plans on how to waste my time. I'll just go with the flow. So if anyone is free and wants to hang out, give me a call. :)

Updates... hmmmm... I just changed my hairstyle maybe one of the days I'll upload it here on my blog. Right now I just don't feel like it yet. What else? lalalalalalala~ I have no idea. I dont really have any EXTRAVAGANZA stories to share. Oh, he's back! That's it. No comment.

If I were you, you should stop reading this post now because you're just wasting your time. It's only gonna be words but actually it's empty. Nothing Important or significant. I'm sleeeepy. But if I sleep now, I dont think I can wake to go to the market later. Haih~

Plans for today :
1. Go to the market.
2. Sleep my ass off.
3. Maybe try and cook Wantan Ho.
4. Online.
5. Maybe cook something else.
6. Maybe wash my car at Rasta.
7. Waste my time and life.
8. SLEEP!

The Nephew :)

 So-called baby-sitting my nephew ;P I can see that he loves the camera... haha!

Voice of reason from the Brain

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silence. maybe.
that's what other people see. 
but inside, it's loud! very loud!
only I know.


what are you doing here again?
I pushed you to the very back. where i keep the memories.
but you keep on pushing yourself forward again.
so she sees you again?
remember you every second, every minute, every hour in me and in every beat of her heart?


when it comes to you,
I hate that my dear friend, Heart has to be involved.
she doesn't listen to me.
she does things that might hurt herself.
I know, because I think. 
I know what might happen when she's the one deciding.


you know she's her weakness.
you pull her heart string. 
I always wonder, what do you want from her?
you come and go as you like. 
you hurt my friend, Heart.
when Heart is hurting, she is too.
she's our vessel. 
whatever we feel, she feels it too.
and Tears have to come and wash away the pain.
I have to find a way for Laughter to give her a visit.


me and Heart and Tears and Laughter have something to say.
we beg you. please! please!
don't take advantage of her Heart and blinded by her Laughter.
inside, her Heart is breaking and Tears are crying silently.
I can think what's best for her but if Heart wants you,
I have no power over her.


if you care for her,
i hope you will do this for her.
let her go. if you only want to play with her.
fight for her, only if you want her with all your being.


you know the choice is always yours.
even if you want to keep on hurting her,
Heart will convince her that it's worth it.
but I can't live with her like this. 
stupid decision after stupid decision.
please set her free, or make her smile.
please, make up your mind.

Sisterly Love =)

This is what me and my sister did because I was bored. I forced her! hahaha~

2 Weeks Left...

It has been approximately 2 weeks plus since my one month holiday started. I have another 2 weeks left... I have been spending time at home. Both in KK and in Tawau.. It's nice to "balik kampung" once in awhile. I miss it. Reminds me how i grew up. 

*Tawau house*

I have 2 weeks left for my holidays. Planning to go back to KL on the 24th. So much to do, so little time! grrr~ And it's Ramadhan soon too. So gotta get ready for fasting season! The food back home have been super amazing and as usual, every time I come back I'll gain weight. So yeah, I did! BIG TIME! and I know I will regret it.

I actually have no idea what to write. or rather I'm on holidays so my brain doesn't really wanna think. I have a few rough ideas but I'm just lazy at the moment to make it complete or something. So I guess maybe in the next post or maybe when I'm back in KL. This is it for now. This lame post. Haha!! :P

My Stupidness

At this right moment, I am at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Arrived at 5.30pm just now. and I went to the check in counter. Apparently my ticket is for 30th July. I BOUGHT A TICKET WITH A WRONG DATE!!!!!! I feel so stupid and guilty. I finish all the money my dad gave me for leisure and I have to ask more to change my ticket to today. huhuuhuhu~~~ Luckily my dad was understanding. My mum? Not so. I was at a point that I nearly decide to not go back to Kota Kinabalu at all!! 

But my parents will be more mad if I don't go back. So here I am hoping that once I arrive home, they won't try to make my life a living hell just because I bought the wrong ticket. I did not do it on purpose. It was an accident. This is not suppose to happen. These two days is kinda my bad luck days. I thought the highlight was last night. Apparently not. haih~ I don't even wanna talk about last night. I can;t even sleep last night and now this. PERFECT! Nevermind, maybe because I wasted a lot of money on the handbags, this is like a warning that I should always save my money and not just buy something that is not important. 4 handbags!! I'm the one to blame.

Anyways, I already change the ticket to tonight at 10pm. So here I am at the airport filling my time with writing this post to describe my stupidity. Yes, I know I am or maybe just a little bit careless. hmmm... I have a lot of things to ponder about until 10pm. adios~

*this is what I'm feeling right now*

Imperfect Jigsaw Puzzle

I am like a jigsaw puzzle,

born perfect,
a perfect picture,
a picture full with colors and shapes.

As I grow up,
I gave myself away,

like a jigsaw puzzle,

I gave my pieces away.

To the people I love, 

to the people who loves me,

to the people who made an impact,

to the people that gave me friendship.

When all the pieces are together, 

I am complete, 

stay with me,

so I will always be a perfect jigsaw puzzle.

I have a few special pieces,

I don't know how many,

but i gave it only to someone special,

for now it's only you.

You left me,

you took that piece far away from me,

I feel incomplete,

My jigsaw puzzle is missing a piece.

I miss that piece of me,

there was a time where I hate you,

and I hate me,

for giving that special piece to you.

Because of you,

because of that missing piece,
my puzzle can't be complete,
my jigsaw puzzle is no longer perfect.

I thought you will always stay with me,

you promised me that,

but I won't take it back even if I can,

even though it makes me imperfect.

I'll let you have it,

hoping you will remember me,

remember how special you were,

and remember how you get that special piece.

I will try living without it,

hoping that one day,

someone else will give their special piece to me,

a piece that have the same shape and color that I gave to you,

The piece that  makes my jigsaw puzzle perfect again,

till that day comes,

I will try to go on,

as the imperfect jigsaw puzzle.