Who Am I?

A text from an old friend is all it takes for me to stop and think. old friends have this power. to make you go back to times that you forgot have ever existed in your life. as for me, he reminds me of the old me. just one text from him. one simple text. suddenly i felt like he doesnt know anymore. what if he hates me now? what if who i turnout to be is someone he doesnt wanna be friends with anymore? then, i stopped and think. why should he feel that way? and i realised that 6 years ago, if i knew me now i would not like me. somehow along the way, i become someone that i dont want to end up to be. i know my friends would not hate me for that. everyone change, everyone grows up. but i asked myself, do i like me? i answered no. im not happy. i do things because i think its what my other friends do. its because i need to be cool maybe. or just to make other people happy. but not for myself. theres still time to change myself to be who i want to be. but when youre already doing those things as part of yoyr life its hard to stop. but i want to stop. i just need someone who knows me, KNOWS me. remind me who i was? who i can be. because right now, i dont enjoy being me. i have regrets and i dont like the reasons for me to do things. i wanna be and do what makes me happy. what makes my old friends happy. because, truly. theyre the one who knows me best. who knows what im capable of. thank you for caring, dear old friend. cant wait to be back in kk and catch up with all my friends. and family. love yous!

Same Spot

No Butterflies
Not hurt, Not hurting
Cold, Frozen
No more.. The warm fuzzy feeling


Just a friend
Based on nothing
Don't know me
Don't know you
Not even wanting to know


Days go by
Months went by
Years... have been
Still here, Same spot
Tiredness sinks
Running but not moving
Not going anywhere


When will it stop?
Time to change
Time to move
To something new
To something different
As long as we're moving

Eid Mubarak

It is still the first week of Syawal. We have another 3 weeks of celebration. Yet here I am updating my blog at the Starbucks Taylor's University. Yes, we start our class today after a week of holiday and the best part is we have test today!!! Yeay!! *I'm being sarcastic here*

Sitting here at Starbucks I'm actually simultaneously do what I love doing. People-watching! The group in front of me are talking loudly about architecture drawing and objectifying women/girls. There is a girl inside very vintage taking picture with her Lomo camera. This girl being annoying talking like she is all that and a pretty girl just passed me. Yes, I do look at girls too!! :D I think she's from Korea. A guy talking about everything and trying to best out all his friends. Haih~ Nothing is interesting. I'm gonna stop looking at my people.

What did I do during the holidays? Other than adding my weight and sleeping, right now I am addicted to The Sims Medieval. I like it compared to the normal Sims because this one have objectives (quests) that we have to complete. The normal Sims have no objectives or ending. It's boring.

Other than that, catch up with family, cousins and their girlfriends. That's it. I had a lot of assignments due today, which I have not even submit because I have not started on it yet. I will really soon. Like in a few hours. I have to study for my Maths test first which is at 1pm today. Good luck to me!

On Raya itself, our family celebrated with the family in KK since we did not go back to Tawau. It was pretty low key. Just 5 immediate families. And on the second day, we went to Bongawan Golf Country Club just to get a way for a day. It was nice. Monopoly dealing. =) That's it I guess. I have a pretty boring life, I know. A few things can't be written here publicly, so yeah my life is boring for you! Haha~

*Reen, Reena & me*

To end this post, I would like to wish all my friends, families, followers (hiks!), readers and anyone who is reading this, A very very Happy Hari Raya, Eid Mubarak!! Maaf zahir batin. Forgive all my mistakes that I have done whether it is intentionally or unintentionally. Halalkan all the foods and drinks and if I owe you anything, let me know and I will try to pay it back or replace it. =)

Updates!!!!

Haven't been updating my blog!!! Can't really find time. Was too busy updating my sleep. Haha~ So, I'm back in Kota Kinabalu, my beloved Land Below The Wind :) I'm back of course to celebrate Raya with my family...

My flight was on Thursday, 25th August at 10pm. But I have class from 1 to 5pm. Lab. That was a crazy day for me. I have to go to Taylor's early because of the parking war. And I arrived at 12. It took me more or less an hour to find parking. Not because there is no available parking, but because the parking was out of tokens!!! OUT OF TOKENS?!!! That's the first time I have ever encountered such stupid situation. RM# per entry. I do not know exactly how many students Taylor's have but surely thousands of students and you cant use the money to purchase enough tokens?!! My god!!!

And then we finished our lab late, then I have to go through the traffic at 6pm to go back home. Then I lost my access card for the apartment gate. Then, I have to pack my laptop and everything and we left the apartment at 8pm. Upon arrival, I lost my identification card right before our turn to check in. And the stupid part was I was holding it in my hands with a bunch of stuff. So, I guess it slipped while I was trying to hold on to the other stuff. Luckily, I went to the police station in the Kuala Lumpur International Airport and someone found it and left it there. So I get to check in. Thankfully. In the airplane someone who sat behind us was toooooo smelly. Ugh!! Luckily he changed his seat and went further in front. So I was saved from 2 hours of torture! Arrived at KK safely. But my luggage was not. It was left in Kuala Lumpur Airport. Some technical difficulties according to Firefly! But I just don't care anymore. I don't even have the energy to be angry. Was too tired and sleepy. But good news is, the luggage arrived safely this morning. So everything turn out okay in the end. Thank god!

During this one week holiday, I will be busy with my assignments and project research. But I will try my best to update my blog because I have a lot of things on my mind that I want to write up. I just don't have enough time yet. And I might add a new blog about the projects that I' going to do from now on as a Chemical Engineering student. I just thought that it will be easy for me in the future to look for jobs. At least they can see what I have been doing during my studies. What I have learned and how I put it into use for the projects every semester.

Other than that, life is normal. Some stuff I can't write on my blog for public viewing. Haha~ :P So I would like to take this chance to say Happy Holidays!! Drive safe! And Selamat Hari Raya... Weeee~

*let's have fun!!!*

Happy Thoughts. Happy Thoughts.

I just read through my blog. Damn emo. Hahahaha~ Meaning my life is so full of emoness. Okay, I'm gonna start with happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Doing what I do best. Laws of attraction. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Come and visit me and never leave my side. Well, maybe once in awhile. So I can appreciate you more. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts!

I have been in a tip top condition for 2 months so you don't get to come back in my life and ruin everything. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Ahhh~ HAPPY!!! Oh, I think it's working. I'm actually smiling while writing this post. Ngee~

Tomorrow, I'm going to class. It's a full day class. Focus Reeha, FOCUS! This semester is gonna be Legendary. (I hope!). I have an idea to write about something. BUT. I don't really have the time to write it yet. The title would be... Jeng! Jeng! Jeng! I haven't decide. Hahaha. Anyways, new semester, new subjects. Maybe there is some new people *wink*wink*

Life has been good. Looking forward to more. I love growing up. Or growing old. New experience, new situations. There's that occasional "Ah, I love life" moment. I'm a 23 year old not a girl not yet a women. Single. Living in Kuala Lumpur. How much better can it be? Well, if I'm abroad I would be thousand times happier. Maybe. But better make the best out of what I have now right? Oh, lovable me.

Hmmm... Maybe its because its 1 hour and 45 minutes pass midnight. That's why I'm a little bit psycho now. So, I'm sorry to whoever is reading this. May you get this Happy Bug I'm having right now. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts! Anyways, I wish all a good day ahead and have fun! But it's still Ramadhan so drop down the fun a notch kay guys?

*Happy Panda! =)*

RAMADHAN

It's Ramadhan again. Yeay! Fasting month for the Muslims. I might not be a good one. Some people may say, "what's the point of doing something good just because its the Holy month?" Well, all of you know the quote, "Better late than never" right? I changed it to "Better something than nothing".

Everyone commits sins. Thank God some of still knows how to respect this month and stop it. And who knows it may continue even after Eid right? Nothing is certain in the future except for death. Still we have to have the will to change.

I hope this month will bring me some happiness, clear mind, easiness and peacefulness. I need peace. I need to accept my life and create something better out of it. Give chances. Avoid things that will make my life sad, gloomy or best known as EMO. 

Today is the fifth day of Ramadhan. So far it has been easy and hopefully this will continue until the end of the month. So lets fast and maximize our good deeds this month. We don't lose anything doing it and we are old enough to know what's right and what's wrong. Don't be someone who's ignorant. There's nothing to be proud of when we are doing something bad. 

Have a great fasting month people! =)

The Real Me

All I need is just this;

*new babies*

*Red Velvet*

*Chocolate Moist Cake*

The things that i grow up with, love and will always do. BOOKS and FOODS!!!! A nerd is always a nerd :)

Hurdle

I'm sorry for the way I'm acting towards you lately. Like you don't matter to me.

But you don't get to leave me every time you feel like it and come back expecting I will be the same.

Once, it was okay. Then it just hurts me to do it again, but I do it anyway.
I like you. Love is a big word to use. Like is the only word I can use.

I'm happy knowing that you're happy with someone good like her.

I'd rather you opt for her than being the old you.
 The one who plays around. I don't like him.

I miss you. I'm glad you're trying to get a hold of me again. 
As a friend. Or whatever.

But I'm sorry if I can't let you come back just like that.
It's not I don't want to. But I can't.

Because you can hurt me like no other.

You can't treat me like the other girls. I thought you know me.

I'm not like girls around you. I'm different. I'm not like them. 

You can come and go to them whenever you want. I can't do that.

You should have figured out why. 
Either you're in denial, or you want me to be like them.

I'm not them. I can't be them. I refuse to be treated like them.

Because you're not just some random guy to me. You're not just a friend to me.

You're more to me. I'm not sure what. But , I do need you . 
Not only when you need me.

But when it comes to this... Sigh~ I don't know what I am to you.

But I have my ideas of who I am.

Insignificant. Just another girl. 

Therefore I can't let you back just like that. I can't lose you again. 

I can't afford to feel I lost my friend. Again. So forgive me for how I am now.

I want to be friends again. I want things to be like before. 
Like how it used to be.

But if I have to go through losing you. Missing you. 
Not talking to you for a period of time again.

I can't. I won't. I don't want to do it again. 
Even if it means I'm losing you for good.

Because I'm not willing to take that risk. 

If you still want me as your friend, be patient. 
Convince me you're staying for good.

Convince me you're not leaving me again. If I am that important to your life.

If I am a friend to you. At least.

If you just want to play around with me. 
Looking for me only when you're bored, drop it!

Leave me be. Let me go. 
At least have that last bit of respect for our friendship.

I'm not gonna ignore you. I'm not gonna hate you.
I will always remember what we were.

How we were. And smile every time you crossed my mind.

To me once special, will always be special. Whether or not it's still there.

Updating Life

Here I am trying to think what to update about my life. hmmm... its half past 5am now. I can't go to sleep because I need to go to the market to do some groceries at 6.30am. So I'm trying to find something to do for the mean time and I decided to update a little about my life here.

I'm back in KL after 2 weeks plus at home, in KK. Spent time with my family. Have a few get together will all my aunts and uncles and cousins. It was fun and the food was GRRREAATTT!!! hehe... I have another 5 days before my new semester starts and Ramadhan comes to visit. I have no plans on how to waste my time. I'll just go with the flow. So if anyone is free and wants to hang out, give me a call. :)

Updates... hmmmm... I just changed my hairstyle maybe one of the days I'll upload it here on my blog. Right now I just don't feel like it yet. What else? lalalalalalala~ I have no idea. I dont really have any EXTRAVAGANZA stories to share. Oh, he's back! That's it. No comment.

If I were you, you should stop reading this post now because you're just wasting your time. It's only gonna be words but actually it's empty. Nothing Important or significant. I'm sleeeepy. But if I sleep now, I dont think I can wake to go to the market later. Haih~

Plans for today :
1. Go to the market.
2. Sleep my ass off.
3. Maybe try and cook Wantan Ho.
4. Online.
5. Maybe cook something else.
6. Maybe wash my car at Rasta.
7. Waste my time and life.
8. SLEEP!

The Nephew :)

 So-called baby-sitting my nephew ;P I can see that he loves the camera... haha!

Voice of reason from the Brain

............................................................................
............................................................................
............................................................................
silence. maybe.
that's what other people see. 
but inside, it's loud! very loud!
only I know.


what are you doing here again?
I pushed you to the very back. where i keep the memories.
but you keep on pushing yourself forward again.
so she sees you again?
remember you every second, every minute, every hour in me and in every beat of her heart?


when it comes to you,
I hate that my dear friend, Heart has to be involved.
she doesn't listen to me.
she does things that might hurt herself.
I know, because I think. 
I know what might happen when she's the one deciding.


you know she's her weakness.
you pull her heart string. 
I always wonder, what do you want from her?
you come and go as you like. 
you hurt my friend, Heart.
when Heart is hurting, she is too.
she's our vessel. 
whatever we feel, she feels it too.
and Tears have to come and wash away the pain.
I have to find a way for Laughter to give her a visit.


me and Heart and Tears and Laughter have something to say.
we beg you. please! please!
don't take advantage of her Heart and blinded by her Laughter.
inside, her Heart is breaking and Tears are crying silently.
I can think what's best for her but if Heart wants you,
I have no power over her.


if you care for her,
i hope you will do this for her.
let her go. if you only want to play with her.
fight for her, only if you want her with all your being.


you know the choice is always yours.
even if you want to keep on hurting her,
Heart will convince her that it's worth it.
but I can't live with her like this. 
stupid decision after stupid decision.
please set her free, or make her smile.
please, make up your mind.

Sisterly Love =)

This is what me and my sister did because I was bored. I forced her! hahaha~

2 Weeks Left...

It has been approximately 2 weeks plus since my one month holiday started. I have another 2 weeks left... I have been spending time at home. Both in KK and in Tawau.. It's nice to "balik kampung" once in awhile. I miss it. Reminds me how i grew up. 

*Tawau house*

I have 2 weeks left for my holidays. Planning to go back to KL on the 24th. So much to do, so little time! grrr~ And it's Ramadhan soon too. So gotta get ready for fasting season! The food back home have been super amazing and as usual, every time I come back I'll gain weight. So yeah, I did! BIG TIME! and I know I will regret it.

I actually have no idea what to write. or rather I'm on holidays so my brain doesn't really wanna think. I have a few rough ideas but I'm just lazy at the moment to make it complete or something. So I guess maybe in the next post or maybe when I'm back in KL. This is it for now. This lame post. Haha!! :P

My Stupidness

At this right moment, I am at the Kuala Lumpur International Airport. Arrived at 5.30pm just now. and I went to the check in counter. Apparently my ticket is for 30th July. I BOUGHT A TICKET WITH A WRONG DATE!!!!!! I feel so stupid and guilty. I finish all the money my dad gave me for leisure and I have to ask more to change my ticket to today. huhuuhuhu~~~ Luckily my dad was understanding. My mum? Not so. I was at a point that I nearly decide to not go back to Kota Kinabalu at all!! 

But my parents will be more mad if I don't go back. So here I am hoping that once I arrive home, they won't try to make my life a living hell just because I bought the wrong ticket. I did not do it on purpose. It was an accident. This is not suppose to happen. These two days is kinda my bad luck days. I thought the highlight was last night. Apparently not. haih~ I don't even wanna talk about last night. I can;t even sleep last night and now this. PERFECT! Nevermind, maybe because I wasted a lot of money on the handbags, this is like a warning that I should always save my money and not just buy something that is not important. 4 handbags!! I'm the one to blame.

Anyways, I already change the ticket to tonight at 10pm. So here I am at the airport filling my time with writing this post to describe my stupidity. Yes, I know I am or maybe just a little bit careless. hmmm... I have a lot of things to ponder about until 10pm. adios~

*this is what I'm feeling right now*

Imperfect Jigsaw Puzzle

I am like a jigsaw puzzle,

born perfect,
a perfect picture,
a picture full with colors and shapes.

As I grow up,
I gave myself away,

like a jigsaw puzzle,

I gave my pieces away.

To the people I love, 

to the people who loves me,

to the people who made an impact,

to the people that gave me friendship.

When all the pieces are together, 

I am complete, 

stay with me,

so I will always be a perfect jigsaw puzzle.

I have a few special pieces,

I don't know how many,

but i gave it only to someone special,

for now it's only you.

You left me,

you took that piece far away from me,

I feel incomplete,

My jigsaw puzzle is missing a piece.

I miss that piece of me,

there was a time where I hate you,

and I hate me,

for giving that special piece to you.

Because of you,

because of that missing piece,
my puzzle can't be complete,
my jigsaw puzzle is no longer perfect.

I thought you will always stay with me,

you promised me that,

but I won't take it back even if I can,

even though it makes me imperfect.

I'll let you have it,

hoping you will remember me,

remember how special you were,

and remember how you get that special piece.

I will try living without it,

hoping that one day,

someone else will give their special piece to me,

a piece that have the same shape and color that I gave to you,

The piece that  makes my jigsaw puzzle perfect again,

till that day comes,

I will try to go on,

as the imperfect jigsaw puzzle.

exams OVER!!!!

Weee~~~ exams over!! Since last Friday actually. hihi! I'm still in KL wasting time before going back to Sabah to finish my holiday. One month holiday! Mum's here for her business appointments so basically I'm her driver for 4 days. This 4 days will be spent with her only... Don't have the time to meet my friends and celebrate..

Putri went back to Indonesia for good and she will be continuing her degree in Portsmouth University. So we spent her last day here going out and about. First, I pick her up at Chloe's place, then we went to Shah Alam to pack her stuff at her uncle's house then to Uptown Damansara for cupcakes then went back to Chloe's place. End the night with 3 hours karaoke all 5 of us. Jonus, Hashley, Chloe, Putri and me. It was enjoyable night. I just hope I can get hold of all the pictures.  I hope Putri had fun and went back to Indonesia with good memories.. =)

Plans for my holiday.... NOTHING!!! hahahahaa~~

Dear Friend,

I'm digging up all my old diaries so I will be posting things that I wrote a long time ago. Which is kind of funny and interesting to me and I think it will be a few entries for tonight. Enjoy =)

Dearest friend,

Thank you for your time,

Thank you for the chance,

But now I'm done.

I was there,

You were not,

Made me think,

and realized,

You're not worth any of my time.

So here it goes, 

This is what I have to say,

Dear friend,

"I hope I'll never see you again!"

written on 14-12-2009 *2.27am*

Guy Bestfriend

I was reading my old diary from when I was 16, 17. So I got this idea to write about what  I believe in friendship between a girl and a guy.

A lot of people around me told me that it is impossible to be close friends with the opposite sex. I refuse to believe it. I think it depends on the individual itself. Yes, things might get complicated because we are humans after all aren't we? We got confused with the feelings we have. Sometimes I feel weird even towards my girl friends. How come I love them this much? Then I stopped and think if I were to feel this way towards a friend who is a guy I would absolutely think that I might be in love with them when actually the feeling is kind of the same towards my friend that is a girl. But because his from opposite sex, we kind of complicate things for ourselves I must say.

I do think that a guy and a girl can be friends. Whether its best friends, normal friends, exes. We just need time to make sure about what we feel and want each other so bad as friends. I have a guy friend who I really cherish. Things got complicated. Though it hurts me, but I still want to stay as friends after everything. Because I want to have that thing where I'm still friends with him in another 5, 10 years and when we talk about how far we are as friends, we would laugh at all the bitter part of it and smile that we can still be friends after all the years. It doesn't have to be the end to a friendship. Friendship is much more divine, i must say.

And now I have three guys as close friends. Sometimes I do think or feel like I'm in love with them, sometimes there is an awkward moment where we  feel like there might have been something between us. But... BUT! only make a move if you really are sure you have feelings for each other and if you're not then take a step back. That's what I do at least. I take a step back, let everything simmer down to normal and everything is okay.

We do need opposite sex as a friend. Not everything can be talked about with girls. And somehow I do think we all have a little boy in us where we just want to have fun like boys do. Video games, cars, motor bikes or sports. And where to get all those without tugging and pushing your girl friends to have the same hobby? It's to have a few guy friends. Maybe we can have them to talk about what guys think or feel in a relationship when we have problems with our significant other. Whatever it is< I believe that if the friendship is important and you love that person as a friend whatever happen in between of the friendship that can make the friendship be "complicated" should be forgotten because what's important is to have each other in each other's lives.

Taylor's so far~

First Semester, First Year.

*Yakult Factory Industrial Visit*

*Before doing our Lab Experiments*

*doing our project. Solar Watering System*

*the tank. haha. it was hard work!*

Second Semester, First Year

*project bodystorming. C-Mock*

*trying to find the most comfortable way to sleep in the car*

*Groupmate picture for the project*

*Industrial visit. Sime Darby Power Plant*

*Chloe & Putri with me in the middle =)*

Father's Day

Dear Dad,


My source;
of love,
of money,
of wisdom,
of humor,
of tears,
of laughter,
of life.


I'm sorry for;
my spending,
my pushiness,
my tantrums,
my attitude,
my laziness,
my secrets,
my sins.


I LOVE YOU.

Through everything that I went through you were always there to guide me and show me the way. When I get dismissed from the university you were really mad but you chose to keep it silent then giving me a hard time because you know me very well that it will not work on me. You were there to support me in enrolling to another university to start over even though the fees are 10 times higher. You always give me what I need despite my attitude even if you are against what I want. You call me every night just to say good night and I love you. What will I do without you?

Here is my promise to you. I will always and forever love you. Need you. Never forget all the things that you have done for me. I will always take care of you until the end of the day like you did until to day and in the future. I will try my best to graduate with the best result that I can. I will try to find a job and give everything that you want like you did for me. I will try and behave myself and appreciate what you have been through to raise me and not just to throw it all away for some random guy. You are the one and only guy who will ever be THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

And god; take me before you take him away from me. Because I can't imagine my life without him.

Rojak!!!

well, well! lets start with..... I HAVE FINALS NEXT MONDAY!!!!! and here i am updating my blog instead of studying for my finals! haha~ good decision!! anyways, what to talk about for today's entry? hmm.... let me think first.

firstly, its been 2 months since i see him, hear his voice or being in any contact with him. yes, a few times i missed him like hell. but well, life goes on right? now im having fun and filling my time that i used to use with him with something else and other people. thank god for that! or else i would be so miserable. been utilizing my time with my dear akoy and family and getting to know my Taylor's friends.

Their younger and a bit immature but maybe thats the beauty in it. Cause they're always having fun... not much to think about. yet! haha~ even though they're young but i learned a lot from them too. who knows who they will turn out to be in the future. anyways... boring story. lets get to something more worth talking about. which is..... i dont know.

argh!!!! maybe this entry is just me trying to run away from studying. i dont feel like studying. my results for this semester is NOT GOOD. yet im here instead of hitting on the books. what the hell? tell me what the hell am i doing here??? fine, i think im gonna try to continue studying instead of talking crap here and annoying other people. heheh!

oh, by the way, please on the google ads -----> there. so i can get money from google! pretty please~~~ haha!

Die Before Living

Temptation to avoid
From point to no return
A stupid decision;
one stupid decision
An innocent soul have to bear
To live or to die
Decision not his But the weight still sits


To live 
The fault not his
No choice but to live
The name and status he carries
Echoes through his head
Not once;
not twice
But through out his life
BASTARD ; he is.


To die
The fault not his
Choices been made
Wishing to have a taste of life
To laugh, to cry, to learn
Unwanted;
hated
Even before seen
ABORTED; he was.


=07th March 2011=


This does not mean that i hate people who aborted their babies. I try to understand the situation. But the reality is, if you have enough courage to have sex with or without protection whatsoever, then at least have the courage to take on the responsibilities of the consequences of the things you have done. It is true that you aborted it for his/her own good. That you do not want it to live in a NOT perfect family or excuses as such. But know that you are also killing a life. What id the difference between you and say, a cat killer? She just killed a cat on the other hand you killed a life. A future human. Who knows what future holds for him/her.
But if any of my friends facing this kind of decision in their life. I want to say, keep it. But if you have to abort it, it is your life and the guilt is on you. Think about your future kids. They might have a brother or a sister that they do not know and will never know. Carrying this big secret on your shoulder for the rest of your life. Good luck. But as a friend i will be here for any of you. Listening. Making sure that you do not do any stupid stuff. But till my last breathe, i will never agree to the decision that have been made. Never did. Never will. I will be a good friend. Being there for you. But I will never say it is okay. it is gonna be okay, or you should forget about it. NO.

Tears for panda_rain.

Have any of you ever cried because of an email address? i'm on the verge of crying because of mine!!! My panda_rain@hotmail.com email!! I have been using this email since i was 12 years old! It has been 11 years.... and the name of this email add have become a part of me. It defines me!

2 days ago, I tried logging in to my email account to check my emails. and they said that my email have been hacked and they're blocking it. so i have to contact support and give as much details as I can about my email and they will try to unblock it if they can make sure from the details that I'm the owner of that email add. the thing is, i have never forget my password and its been 11 years. i cant remember my secret question and answer. I don't remember which address and phone number i put in my profile. I don't remember anything that I fill in when i was 12. so its a lost cause. i can't save my email add anymore.

it makes me sad. very sad. its my whole life in there. there's email that i have been saving for years!!! my msn buddies, old friends who don't have facebook and my online friend for 2 years who i never met but we are good friends. where and how can i get that back?!! it's not fair!!! i want everything back!!!!!

for 2 days I tried to think of the positive side of this thing happening to me. and I can only come up with one. which makes me even sadder! maybe it's time for me to learn to let go. some thing are not meant to be ours forever. maybe i have to let go that 12 year old reeha and venture into some new things. but somehow, that reeha always remind me of who i should be and promises i've made to myself when i was growing up. i feel so old. however i tried on letting it go i just cant. i thought of ceating a new email using the same name. it's just no the same. i know its not the original. so what am i gonna do???

please, give me my email back.......... T_T

Stand-UPS!!!!!

On the 19th of March which was last week, me and my cousin Reen went to our first stand-up comedy!!! It was a great experience! We went to the one at Bentley Music Auditorium in Mutiara Damansara. We bought the tickets few days before the event at TicketPro in Kelana Jaya. It was RM57 each after student discount. (yeay for that. I wanna be a student all my life! haha) The ticket price was so worth it!! Because it was a new experience for us and it was super fun to actually watch it at that place instead of watching it from DVDs or YouTube. We sat on the third row. I call it a safe row. Haha. Oh, and there's no censoring. The jokes are RAW!! To actually hear the words that is considered taboo to be said in our community at a public place was AWESOME!!! You might think that I'm so kolot or kampung to think that way. Well, I don't care! Haha! You have to be there to know how it feels like. Even the host, which is Prem from FlyFM said the f*word alot of times because normally he can't say it on air.

This is the poster for the event. There were three comedians lined-up for the event. And this event is hosted by The Comedy Club Malaysia. Props to them for bringing this kind of entertainment to Malaysia. The first one to entertain us was Jacques Barrett from Australia, He jokes mostly on homosexuality and drugs. Susan Murray is from UK. She was freaking awesome!!!! I love her!! She have this fiestiness in her. Her jokes are mostly about sex and also toilets. The headline was Sugar Sammy (you can find him here). He's one good looking comedian!! That's always a plus! Some said he's an aspiring comedian who's gonna be the next Russell Peters. So go figure.

Me and my cousin are planning to go on more stand-ups and comedy anything as a matter of fact. So, next month we are definitely going to the PJ Live Festival 2011!! (for more info about this, please click HERE!!) I'm planning to go for God of Carnage, definitely to HarthDouglas stand-up and Actorlympics, Comedy Court stand-up, The Comedy Club Asia : Around the World in 80 Minutes, Kuah Jenhan : Tall, Dark & Comedian and possibly if I'm suddenly rich, the rest! Guys, please try and support this kind of entertainment bacause seriously, its worth every penny. And it also reduces stress!!

*cheers*

The Ship!

First thing first. I thought the drama ended but apparently not. And now i just don't care anymore. I don't even have the energy to care. Fuck the world! Fuck people! Not saying that I'm gonna be okay without other people, obviously I won't. But sometimes it's much more peaceful and trouble-free without thinking of other people. Okay, here's the thing. Let's ask ourselves what do we want in a friend? Don't give me the BULLSHIT that you don't want anything from you're friends. Also I don't like other people saying that "When a friend needs something. then only they come to you. If not, they wouldn't care." Well, FUCK YOU! have you heard "A friend in need, is a friend indeed."? And seriously, will you be friends with someone if you don't want anything from them? We need friends because we want people to advice us, share moments and memories, be the listener etc. that is needs! NEEDS!! Okay, some may say that "I'm always there for her/him. But she/he was never there for me." Well, its simple. You either put up with it or leave that person. It wouldn't be that hard. She/he is a bad friend anyway. Why would you wanna keep that kind of friend? Except, EXCEPT, that he/she is actually doing something right. There must be a reason you wanna keep them. Well, human is not perfect. We can't be everything other people wants us to be. Even if we change for a friend, our other friend might not like the newly changed us. We can't go and satisfy everyone. If I am a good friend, you will put up with my shit. Because you know what, you ain't perfect too! And I'm putting up with your shit too. I just dont say it. Because I accept your good and bad. And if I can't I wouldnt want to waste anymore time on that kind of friendship. Waste of energy and time. If you're having a problem with one of your friends, like for an instance... hmmm.... oh, you dont like the way she eats. Just a simple example. Say it! Right there and then! (in a good friendly way of course). Don't wait until you're fighting about something else two years later, the you confessed that you hate the way she eats this whole time!!! That is just stupid! Ungkit mengungkit is just stupid!!!

Enough of my ramblings. I just wanna say, that nobody is perfect. If you're having a problem with a friend;
1) Talk. Not text or chat! At least a phone call. Because with texts and chats, you just dont know the intonation of the other person. You read the way you read it.

2) Instead of hearing from other people and assume, ASK!!!

3) Stop and think. If your friend is accusing that you've done something. Stop talking and start thinking. Did I really do that? If no, then say no. If yes, say sorry and MEAN IT!! It's not that hard.

4) Do not. I repeat DO NOT ungkit mengungkit suddenly. What you have done for her/him. That just mean that you were never sincere on doing it. You just do it so when you have a fight you can come up with these things.

5) When you said, it's done. Everything is okay. Then it's okay. Don't go and send weird messages that gives a message that it's not finish yet. LET IT GO!!! You've said what you want to say. If that friend wants to change, let her/him. If not, leave him/her. SIMPLE!

6) When you have a fight, DO NOT drag any other friends into it. They're not part of the fight.

7) DO NOT compare yourself with other friends. Because if you get a friend who doesn't give a fuck. He/her would say, "because the other friend is better than you!" Would you wanna hear that? No, right!

8) If it's a fight in the same circle of friends. Don't ask for anyone to side you. I do think it's okay if you just want to vent out your anger or dissatisfaction but DO NOT ask them what you should do or agree with your decision. Because you are putting them in a difficult situation. This or that. And again if he/she picks the other friend wouldn't you be more hurt?

9) Give time to your friend to take it all in. If she does not want to talk yet. Let her/him be. She's not ready. DO NOT say that she/he doesn't care about the friendship. Even if she/he is the wrong one. It still hurts to be in a fight with a friend. They just need time to cool down and think what they should do and how to re-act after the fight.

10)When you ask them to change, let time decide on their changes. Do you want them to do it because they feel like they should do it? or do you want them to do it because they feel they have to. Terpaksa?

11) When a friend says something, instead of picking a fight out of it, try take it as good criticism for you to change to a better friend instead of taking all the negatives. Take note of the positives!


If you do or did more than 3 of the above, you might end up having a friend like me. I stop caring. I stop tolerating and I stop thinking that I'm wrong. Because you did wrong too. But instead of having a more longer fight with you, I just shut up and walk away. Because judging from everything you did above, you're not a 'REAL' friend to begin with to the point of there's no use for me to talk because I know it's a waste of time.

Note: I'm sorry if anyone get offended by this. If you don't agree with me feel free to curse me at your laptop/computer screen! For a certain someone, if you're wondering why I wrote this instead of talking to you straight.... Well, we tried "texting". It doesn't work. We refuse to listen to each other. But i understand why you're mad at me. It's just getting ridiculous and i don't think we can be friends like before. It's not that I don't want to make an effort to see you. I'm just too hurt to even make an extra effort. (*but I REALLY am having problems*) For now, I just don't feel like talking anymore. Let's just leave this at this. And maybe if everything turns out the way it should, we may pick it up where we left this friendship. If you don't want to be friends anymore, I understand. "To each, its own" I might not be the kind of friend you want. Instead of getting yourself hurt by me, better off you just leave me be. Thank you for everything. I seriously appreciate it. I DO!! Don't even for a second think that I did not. I'M SORRY.

Drama subsided

like i said on my previous previous post. i had a few dramas to handle. so, i had a talk with my friend about her decision on doing that bad bad thing she did. and she regretted it but its not like she had any other options. agreed. i was just drilling to make sure that she knows that its wrong and i am in no way supporting her decision. but i am gonna be there for her if she needs someone to talk to. i will support her mentally and emotionally to get through her shit. settled.

my other 2 friend who had a fight and dragged my name. well, i thought it was settled. like i said in my previous post. apparently not. i was not okay. suddenly it dawned upon me i should not be treated that way. you cannot just suddenly text me accusing me doing something that u misunderstand as being against u. with the words that you use in that text and u expect me to be just okay with it when you say sorry. normally if you are not close to me, i would not care. i would not even feel a thing. but you are one of my close friends. you expect me to know you but on the same time you do not know me at all. because if you do, you would not be accusing me of such things and talking about it via text message is just stoooooopid! anyways, after talking with my personal psychology.... after i vented to her. i come to a conclusion today to just let it go. a few days ago i was ready to not have her as a friend anymore. that is how hurt and mad i was. but she never did anything wrong to me before this. this is the first time she did. and i do not give up on friendship unless you did me wrong more than once. for me, its easy. if a friendship of mine ends, i will make sure that it is not my fault. i am not the one who ended it. the one who gave up on it was not me. so at the end of the day, i tried my best to keep the people i love. and if i do not. i have no regrets because i tried. haaaaaaah~~~ this feels good.=)

and the next story is about a guy. who i like. but an asshole. hahahahahaha~ he has been weird this past few days. always calling and texting. if you think me as perasan. well, let me live in my own bubble! haha. it is nice. but i want to know the reasons behind it. why suddenly he is being to nicey nicey with me. i just hope not because he does not want me to move on. now, that is SELFISH! and certainly not being fair for me. just let me go already because this thing is just too tiring and sometimes to the point that it is stupid. huhu~

another guy that i have a crush on. ohhhhh~~~ BAMBAM!!!!! like i said he has been very touchy touchy and he is one goofball to hang out with. funny! and you know how i love funny guys. hihi. and a gentleman too, i may say. he hold the door for me. okay, maybe some of you think that is normal. because if you let go the door, who knows that the person behind you was not aware of it and bang the door. but he actually opens the door for me too. hah! take that! told you he is a gentleman. *drools*

Anyways, thats all i have for now from my life. *cheers*

bambam! :P

well, this post is specially dedicated to bambam! :D u made my life colourful with an ounce of highschool girly*ness! and i cant wait to see you!!! everyday!!! well, almost everyday!! heee~ youre just touchy touchy nowadays.

weird

its funny when i learn to let go of that someone i hold on to for quite a long time (look, im not a quitter, thats why) suddenly i see theres a lot of other guys available and around me. i was just too blinded to see. i refuse to look at other people and always comparing them to him. i wouldnt say im over him completely. its just im learning to let him go. whats the point of holding too tight if u know its just not gonna happen right? so im interested in 3 other guys now. lets just say one is a bestfriend of a guy friend, another is someone i see everyday and another one is just sweet who suddenly message me after never contacting each other for nearly 4 years. I still do think of him, miss him and hang out with him. but it hurts lesser nowadays. and i think we can end up being just good friends with good memories to remember. but a secret. haha.

anyways, this past few days or a week or so, i have been thinking. am i a bad friend. suddenly i have to deal with a lot of friendships drama.

1. i said a wrong thing to a friend at a wrong time. that was my fault.

2. my bestfriend made a big decision in her life and its kind of a very very wrong decision. she's afraid to tell me about it cuz shes afraid that im gonna be angry. with that decision i have every right to be angry but doesnt my friends know at the end of the day however wrong they did, im always gonna support them emotionally. and im not gonna end a friendship just because i think what they did was wrong. its their life, their decisions, theyre the ones whos gonna be living in the consequences of their actions. im just here to tell them what i think they should do or shouldnt do, but at the end of the day, its still their decisions. garang sangat kah aku ni?!!

3. 2 of my friends had a fight, they just have to drag my name in. and now im having problem with one of them. its settled. thank god. but reminders to my other friends, when you have a fight that has nothing to do with me please og please dont drag my name in it. i was just here to listen and tell u what u should do. doesnt mean i feel the same way you did towards that person.

haih~ kind of a tiring week for me with starting the class and all. and my ptptn is on hold right now because the stupid goverment changed their mind, bloodyhell! this weekend is gonna be tiring as well, i can feel it in my bones. have to go through it anyway, right? life goes on...

*cheers*

February

this is my story for the whole month of February. february is my one month semester break. so, i have one month! i kick off my holidays with Langkawi as you can see from the last post. then a few days doing nothing in KL. but i joined my friends clubbing (which i havent done for quite a long time for me), just hanging out with friends that i neglected during my semester as i was busy, a lil bit of drinking and high*ing. then one a half week in KK. just stayed home cuz my kaki yg lebam was still swollen from langkawi and if i walk a lot, it would be more swollen. so i stayed home with the family the whole week except for that one night i hang out with khai, rd, shazni, royzan and aznan at JP. it was nice seeing them. i think the last time i met them was four months before. and boy, how they changed in only four months!!!! grr~~ aznan and rd started hitting the gym. rd lost weight, aznan gained weight. in a very very good way. both of the look good! i hope they keep up the good work and i know they will.

after KK, i finish the rest of my holiday in KL which is now. i will start my new semester on monday! which im not looking forward to it at all. cuz i know im gonna be busy like last semester or maybe worse. i hope not. anyways, since the day im back in kl, i havent really done anything. went to alyas bday in changkat. had a wee bit, very little fun. was not really in the mood. first day of the period. not good. then the fews night after that i spend with zarra, my soul! =) we hang out nearly every night. i had fun. i miss just hanging out with her. all her 18sx stories and sex education. damn funny. but educational. *wink*

anyways, new semester. i wanna have the same momentum i had last semester. =) my results was not exceptional but im happy and grateful for it. its exactly how hard i work for the semester so its definitely worth it. stop all the shit i have been doing during my holiday break. heheh!! definitely meet more new people. and i have met a few new people who i quite enjoy spending time with. hmmm... what else? thats it for now i think. oh, by the way i have been baking and cooking this past 2 days. thanks to my cousin :P... last night was cupcakes. just now was parmesan chicken with mash potato. later would be crepe. fun! fun! fun!

IM SO EXCITED TO MEET BAMBAM THIS MONDAY!!!!!!!!!

LANGKA weeeeeeee~~~

i just got back from langkawi yesterday. it was super fun!!! well, not that fun. but its certainly a place where i can run to if i feel like running away... just hang out at the beach, dinner, watch live band, socialize then sleep and repeat... what a sweet life... wish i can just throw my life away and live there everyday that way. it will get kinda boring for sure. but the idea of it and when im there it seems like life's not that bad. i miss the beaches. the free alcohols! hihi!! and just meeting people. you can wear whatever you want with no make ups! heaven to me!

met a guy. a rugby player. hes not good looking or anything. hes just good around girls. that kinda guy. but i guess langkawi is the place you meet up with people, hang out. thats it. when we go back to our real life everything feels like a dream. like it never happened. maybe thats the beauty of it. met someone. share your life story with them. listen to their story. just by that you feel a little lighter. like the world is no longer on your shoulder. and for the fact you might not see that person again makes it more mysterious in a way... that stranger you met. that stranger who in a weird way changed your life. its exhilarating, fun and enjoyable in a way. that 2 nights i hang out with you would be remembered as long as i can. i hope my next trip there, you would be there too.... nice to meet you! =)

we went like whole bunch of girls. it was fun. tho im not really close to them, i had fun with them. thanks to alya and belle. two of you are kinda my road to fun and carefree life. a day with you guys was never boring. annoying maybe. but its all good! love you!

now that im back in KL, i have 3 weeks left for my holiday. still contemplating on going back to kk or not. oh and i have a very BENGKAK kaki. thanks to langkawi. accidents happen. haha. there's nothing for me here anyway to do. should i go home or not? hmmmm... staying here would just increase the tendency of me hanging out with a person i shouldn't.

i was good in not replying and picking up his calls. then i got drunk in langkawi and i texted him!!! saying i miss you. that was one of the dumbest thing i have ever done! luckily he replied my texts so i dont feel THAT bad. but still!! why did i drunk texting him?!! why didnt i text bambam or sumthing. why him???? STOOOOPID!!! haih~ and i met him the day i came back from langkawi. it was weird. ut we are both professionals in acting or pretending like nothing happened. so yeah, its like nothing happened. haih~ story of my life. all guys are assholes anyways!! no offense guys! my brother is good! hahaha

i miss the beaches. the carefree feeling, the smoking up at the beach, drink on the beach, friends, live bands, flip flops, bare feet, topless guys!!!, oh everything!!! i wish i have the money... i would go there again! zzzzz...